


Leapfrog

by Winterstar



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Completely, Crack, Football, Humor, Kinky, M/M, Photobombing, the 4th wall is gone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-06
Updated: 2015-02-06
Packaged: 2018-03-10 17:21:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3298193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winterstar/pseuds/Winterstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony needs to find out how Steve can leapfrog over a 6 foot 2 inch Starlord...or maybe not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Leapfrog

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I cannot get enough of this [clip](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYlogRWEw98) where Chris Evans and Chris Pratt participated in photobombing at the Superbowl for Fallon.....
> 
> This story is COMPLETE CRACK.

_Author’s note: If you are reading this story and you did not access it through Archive of Our Own, this is a stolen work, posted without the author’s consent. Please go directly to Archive of Our Own and access the author’s page under the author’s pseudonym Winterstar. Thank you._

He doesn’t understand it. How does it work? He should probably do a calculation, or two. He knows he could do calculations. He is _that_ smart. But he needs the input before he can get the output. He needs data. He needs measurements and information.

In other words, he needs to know how much Steve can lift and how much he weighs. He needs to know how far he can jump or, more specifically, how high he can leapfrog, because what he is seeing here is all kinds of impossible.

And he doesn’t believe in magic.

Tony hates magic.

Everyone knows that.

He needs to get Steve on the phone.

He presses Steve’s number – and no it is not specially programmed to be a one touch. It isn’t. Stop looking at him like that. Christ, he needs sleep, now he’s talking to no one.

“Captain Rogers.”

“Seriously, you’re a civilian.”

“Tony? What’s up? I’m buying bagels, do you want any particular kind?”

“Egg.”

“Egg?”

“Yeah, it’s like the French vanilla flavor of bagels.”

“I’m not sure what that means.”

“You’re not supposed to know what it means. It’s a special code.”

Steve mumbles something.

“What?”

“Nothing, okay, French vanilla, coming up. Anything else?”

He hears a loud bang in the background and then Steve muffles the phone and yelps. There’s shuffling and then the phone clatters – signifying that the great Captain America just dropped his phone. Thank god it is a StarkPhone and not a cheap ass iPhone.

When he finally picks it back up again, he’s panting. “Yeah, oh, Tony, sorry about that.”

“Sorry? What the hell is going on?” Tony says. “Aliens invade the bagel shop?”

Steve snorts and Tony realizes he’s laughing, chortling actually. What the hell? “Steve?”

“Yeah, yeah, nothing. Oh no, fuck.”

“Steve?” Tony yells because he’s laughing so hard he’s starting to hyperventilate over the phone. “Steve?”

After several gasps and huffs, Steve finally says, “Sorry, Peter’s just hilarious. He’s got the bagels on the side of his head and he’s doing a Princess Leia impression in the bagel shop.”

“Why are you there with Starlord?” Tony growls. This is going too far. First, the Superbowl bets, then the Superbowl, and then that damned jump over Starlord’s god damned head. Steve fucking jumped over a six foot two inch guy from outer space (okay, okay, originally from Earth but with dubious parentage). Son of a bitch, why is his boyfriend pussyfooting around with Starlord?

“He wanted to come and get bagels. I think Rocket likes them or something. I don’t know.”

“No, because he’s trying to steal you away from me.”

“Really, Tony, I don’t think that-.”

“Yes it is,” Tony says. “Look at him. He loves sports, he’s big, he’s got that weird mask that covers his face.”

“What does the mask have to do with anything? You have a mask, too.”

“I know how you like it, I know you like some kinky, shit, Captain.”

“Tony.”

“What?” Tony says and he knows he sounds petulant. And he does not fucking care. Starlord is trying to steal his boyfriend; who is shaped with a damned Dorito and can leap over giant aliens in a single bound. “Are you Superman?”

“I think that’s a different franchise, Tony,” Steve says. “Okay, do you want cream cheese on your bagel?”

“Cream cheese?” What the hell are they talking about? “Are you avoiding the question? Are you in love with Quill?”

“What?” Steve says. “Forget it, I’m getting you cream cheese.”

“Answer the question, Steve, I need to know.”

“I’m not answering that question, Tony, because it is ridiculous. Good bye.”

And then the fucker hangs up. He hangs up!

Tony has no other choice, none whatsoever. He sits there and _steams_. He fumes about it, how Starlord with his big ass adventures taking place all over the damned galaxy and his green assassin and his freaking walking tree. He’s trying to steal Steve. Because he doesn’t have enough – because his team needs someone as pure and perfect (albeit kinky as hell) as Steve.

He throws down his phone and calls to JARVIS. “We’re suiting up, JARVIS.”

“Are we, sir?”

“Yes, now.”

“I would, sir, but you initiated the protocol to blow up all your suits and then finally decided that it would only take a very strong magnet to take all the shrapnel out of your chest, thus getting rid of your trademark arc reactor.”

“I did, didn’t I?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Not my smartest move.”

“The suits sir or the shrapnel removal.”

“Former,” Tony says and curses under his breath. Now he has to wait for his lovely Captain to get home. 

When the Captain finally deems it time to grace Tony with his presence, Tony has redesigned a new suit, talked to Bruce and started designing a killer robot that he will name Ultron (because that is all kinds of cool) and he’s eaten a few too many skittles. WAY TOO MANY SKITTLES.

“Tony, your bagel.”

“Finally, I’m freaking starving to death,” Tony says and tears the bag out of Steve’s hand. 

“Really?” Steve says and scans all of the wrappers of skittles strewn across the workshop.

“What?”

“Nothing, nothing at all.” He walks over to Tony with a decidedly strange gait.

“Where’s Starlord?” And if there’s a hint of a sarcastic whine in there, Tony is not fessing up to it.

“He went to help out with Groot or something. I wanted to give you your bagel.” Steve smiles and sidles up to Tony. He nibbles at Tony’s neck.

“Well, I have it, you can go now.” Tony pushes away from Steve’s embrace. He’s not going to be swindled by a two timing jerk of a Captain America. 

“Oh, do you?” Steve says with a raised eyebrow.

Tony raises the bag. “Yes, I do.”

Steve crosses his arms and nods. “Okay, so that’s all. Was there a reason you called me?”

“No, forget it. It was a calculation I thought you could help me with.” 

“Me?” Steve looks genuinely happy about the prospect of helping Tony with a math problem. 

Tony melts because he always does when it comes to Steve. “I wanted to know-.”

“Yes?”

“I wanted to know about the leapfrog thing you did. I mean how you can jump over a six foot 2 inch alien human hybrid without a running start and with boots on.”

Steve grimaces and tilts his head. “Well, no, I don’t think I’m going to tell you.”

“Oh.” Tony’s not sure if he should be insulted and pissed.

“I will tell you some other secrets though.”

Tony’s heart pounds in his chest. This is where Steve tells him he’s dumping Tony and going out with cool macho Starlord instead. “Okay?”

“There isn’t a bagel in that bag.”

“No?” Tony says and opens the bag to find a Lombardi trophy shaped butt plug. “Christ, where the hell did you get this?” He is almost, no he is – damn it. He’s blushing.

“Not telling,” Steve says. “You want to know where your bagel is?”

“I’m not sure I’m hungry anymore,” Tony says and he’s weak in the knees because all of the blood in his body is in his dick.

“No? That’s too bad,” Steve says and yanks down his running pants. “Are you sure you don’t want your bagel?”

Calculations can wait. It’s breakfast time.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to follow me go to my [tumblr](http://winterstar95.tumblr.com)
> 
> I needed a break from all of the angst of my other story.


End file.
